


Lesson 1: Standing Up For Yourself

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU!Supernatural, Amputee Dean, M/M, Normal Sam, normal cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-03-27 22:36:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13890582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Life has forever changed for Dean Winchester. His poor reaction to poor circumstances leaves him looking at his life through lens he's never had to look through.





	1. The Rough Ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life has forever changed for Dean Winchester. His poor reaction to poor circumstances leaves him looking at his life through lens he's never had to look through.

_White hot pain._

_Blinding._

Dean was laid out on a white room, with white blankets, and everything is white, and crisp… and honestly quite sickening, because he knows this isn’t his room. His eye lids were heavy, and try as he might to open them, he just couldn’t. Everything around him was so still, except for the rhythmic beeping next to him. The beeping was soothing and also concerning. His eyes couldn't focus, and he couldn't remember anything that happened after he left Lisa's.

After several minutes of trying to will himself back into unconsciousness, if only to get the beeping to fade away, he opened his eyes. A hospital room. He would’ve rolled his eyes had his head not been pounding. His whole body felt heavy, sedated, and disproportionate. He couldn’t really move entirely, at this rate, whatever was pulling him down was doing to suffocate him.

“Dean, your awake!” that voice was distinct. It was his behemoth of a brother, Sam. He looked like a regular Sasquatch, even more so now that his honey brown hair was shaggy, and Dean's vision was practically beer goggles. There was no doubt about it, but he couldn’t get his eyes focused long enough to verify.

“Sammy.. what the hell’s going on..” His voice was hoarse. He didn't know this yet, but when he was first brought in, he was barely breathing so they had to intubate him. He stayed that was for several days.

“Don’t you remember..? I mean I know you were out for like.... a week. So I understand.....” Sam replied, moving to sit on bed in Dean’s blurry field of view.

“Not.. no…” he sighed, “maybe… bits and pieces…”

There was a long pause between them, long enough for Dean to really think.

_“I can’t do this anymore Dean…”_

_That voice. It was so sharp. Like glass. Cutting away any feeling Dean had left in his body._

_“Ben is NOT your child to parent…”_

_She shoved him away from the door. He wasn’t trying to get in per-say, but merely to stop arguing on her stoop. “Lisa, come on.. thats not fair…” He couldn’t remember why they were even arguing._

“Dean….” Sam snapped him back to reality with a sympathetic look on his face, “Are you okay… do you need me to get the doctor?”

“No…”

“okay.. well.. theres someone here who asked to meet you…”

Before Dean could even respond, Sam was gone in a streak of messy hair and red lumberjack flannel. He knew better than to hold his breath, especially with that chunk of memory floating around, but he secretly hoped it was Lisa. 

The lapse in immediate attention allowed Dean to really rub his eyes clear and focus. Just in time to see the person who was following Sam, voices hushed. He was dressed rather haphazardly, a baggy green sweater and jeans that were well loved and worn, his black hair tasseled and blue eyes wide, like he’d just been told the secret ingredient to the colonel’s secret spices.

“Dean.. This is Castiel Novak. He’s the one that found you..” He clamped a hand on the strangers shoulder and left the two be.

“I am very glad to see that you’re awake.” he started, moving a little closer, sitting in the chair next to the bed. “I was concerned, when I came upon you, that you weren’t going to make it.”

Dean blinked real hard to focus, his eyes and mind, wondering what wonder drug they were giving him to make him this loopy, then again, Sam had said he was out a while, he might need some time to gather himself. “What even happened, I cant remember…”

Castiel offered a small frown, “I don’t know exactly.. You already wrecked when I was coming past. I know there are several pieces of your motorcycle that weren’t recovered. You must have been going pretty fast.”

_“Just go Dean!” Her voice was so sharp. But he took a step back in defense, hands up, ready to deflect._

_He moved down the steps, not wanting to be a witness to her slamming the door. He fumbled with the keys to his bike, hoping she would change her mind, would follow him. Tell him not to leave angry. But he **did** leave angry… and fast…_

“Uhm… Mr. Winchester…” Castiel was peering him, eyes slit, looking concerned and on edge. “Are you alright…?”

“…’s Dean…” he replied, “and.. yeah.. just.. memory…” Wow Dean.. was that even English, he scolded himself.

Castiel sat back, looking relieved. “I’m sure it’ll all come back to you eventually…” he said softly, “But i wouldn’t push it. You might do more harm than good to your brain…” Dean just looked at him and blinked.

“Anyway, how do you feel?” 

Dean liked the fact that Castiel was using such a soothing voice. Sam had practically shouted when Dean woke up, and it made his ears ring. But he was so relaxed here, he nodded off for a moment.

_Screeching._

_Rubber on asphalt._

_An angel._

“Cas….” he said, a small yawn on his lips, sleep trying to pull him under, “Id really like to get up….” his whole body felt like a thousand pound weight, and he felt like he’d feel a lot better if he were able to move around.

“Dean… thats not possible right now…” Sam said, reappearing in the doorway. Reappearing? or… how long had he even been there? Did he even leave?

“Sammy… come on man…. i gotta stretch…” 

Sam looked at Castiel and sighed. “you just…-“

But Sam got cut off by Dean flipping off the sheet, revealing the loss of half his right leg. “Oh…. ah.. well..” Dean’s speech dipped a little, and his eyes fluttered. The rhythmic beeping got faster and faster. He was suddenly surrounded by doctors and nurses. Dean was having a seizure, and the nurses shuffled Castiel and Sam out of the room, leaving them wondering what was happening, just beyond the door.

It took the doctors several minutes to stabilize him. They determined, at this point, the seizure was caused for no other reason other than pure shock. Dean had been so overwhelmed by the extent of his injuries, his right leg gone... just below the knee, that his body was unable to cope in any other way.

Sam and Castiel sat together talking while they waited for Dean to reawaken. The doctor decided if Dean still wanted to try to stand, he could do so so long as Sam and Castiel held onto him. But the next time Dean opened his eyes, he didn’t say anything to either one of them. 

The tension in the room could be cut with a knife. Neither one of them could say anything that would take away Dean’s pain and confusion. He just laid there, staring down at his legs, barely blinking. How could this happen? He wasn’t even going that fast, was he? Yeah.. He probably was... He remembers being so mad, but the tangible memories beyond leaving Lisa’s house were a blur. He just couldn’t remember, and every time he tried to force himself, he instantly felt like he was going to vomit. 

“Cas…” he reached out a hand, “Sammy… I wanna stand…” 

The pair exchanged looks and nodded. They moved to the side of the bed, and helped Dean sit up. They took an arm each, looping his arms around their necks, and hoisted him to his feet. Dean’s head spun from the sudden movement, but he was standing. 

He only stood a minute before he sat back down, and sighed. “Thank you…”

The two of them offered a small smile, “Dean, it’s really late, and you need your rest.” Sam said softly, “I’ll be back in the morning with some clothes…” and then Sam was gone, leaving Castiel and Dean in silence. 

“Thank you…” he said softly, looking to Castiel, “you saved my life…” 

Castiel’s eyes were wide, surprised, “Dean… I did what anyone would’ve done…” he said, reaching slowly to take Dean’s hand, “I’m simply glad you’re going to be okay… when.. when I found you, I wasn’t so sure…” 

It was refreshing, the way Castiel spoke to him. It was like they’d been friends forever. It was easier to talk to him than to have Sam hovering, like he was so good at doing when he couldn't handle a crisis at hand. Sam's only crisis mode was PANIC.

“Ah.. Cas… you’re more than welcome to visit ya know.. its not like I’m going anywhere soon…”

The other male nodded, giving Dean’s hand squeeze, “I’ll make sure I do… now get some rest, you’ve had a really shocking day..”

Dean tried to relax, he really did, but he kept thinking about everything he’d remembered so far. The weather was nice, so there was no possible way it was like… ice, or rain, or anything. It was a warm June day when Lisa told him to scram. 

Sleep came on its own, creeping and gently taking him away. But it was restless. Images kept flashing, and replaying over and over the little bit he could remember, but never any more.

_Lisa._

_Ben._

_The bike… He took Ben for a ride.. that’s why Lisa was so angry._

He had no idea how long he’d been asleep, but long enough that Castiel was back, typing away on his laptop. Dean groaned a little bit when he stretched, a small pain tearing into his shoulder. 

“Sammy…?”

"Stitches...." But that voice wasn't Sam.

It seemed like his brain had a hard time functioning after being asleep for so long, and the words just weren’t coming to him yet. The doctors hadn’t really talked to him yet, but he imagined he probably had a concussion from hell. 

Castiel looked up from his screen, and tilted his head to the side, “Sam stepped out, but he did leave clothes for you if you’d like to change…?”

It was left to question, and Dean nodded. “yeah.. clothes…” he replied, weakly pointing at the small stack.

Castiel closed his laptop and stood, moving over and grabbing the sweatpants and shirt that Sam grabbed. “Id imagine you’ll be much more comfortable..” he moved over to the bed, and lingered a minute. “Do.. i mean.. I can help you?” His cheeks were immediately red, pulling in his lip between his teeth.

Dean nodded, “I think.. just the pants might be a challenge…” he chuckled absentmindedly, only realizing that Castiel was looking at him, mortified. “hey… if I don’t laugh.. ill cry…”

So Castiel slowly undid the ties on the hospital gown, and he slipped the black shirt over his head, and then it was time for probably the most awkward experience of Dean’s life so far. 

Castiel helped Dean wiggle up into the pants, and then bore his weight as Dean stood to pull his hands out, and while Castiel might’ve been strong, Dean had an inch or two, and they awkwardly wavered until Dean sat back down. 

They were both red, and chuckling at the struggle of something so simple. “usually… the guy is helping me… take them off…” he said, a cocky smirk on his face, and the blush on Castiel’s cheeks only deepened.

"Dean..."

"Im just saying..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This idea has been floating around in my brain FOREVER. lemme know what you think!


	2. Independent Dependent

Once Dean had met with the specialist and got fitted for a leg, a ‘good-thing-its-below-the-knee’ leg. Like Dean got the sentiment, and really… he did relish the fact that he was able to keep his knee, because it could’ve been a lot worse, but Dean would’ve very much liked to have had his whole leg, thank you very much.

It’d been a month. A long grueling month of therapy, and strength training, and walking for hours on end, and climbing stairs…. and…. and he was finally making enough progress in physical therapy… Finally.. enough where the word home was beginning to pop up in conversation. Despite having a terrible concussion, road rash beyond belief, he’d been putting in the work, and it was paying off. Honestly, he couldn’t be more proud.

All the memories of the fight with Lisa had come flooding back as the concussion slowly eased itself away. What he had considered something so minor, had apparently been the final straw for Lisa. He never even knew she was getting so irritated with him. She not once mentioned that he was out of line, or crossing a boundary.. Just… Go. And she didn’t come to visit him, and didn’t even call. 

But he didn’t care, it was time to move on. How could he not with Ellen and Jo floating in and out of the room at odd hours, bringing him actual edible food, when they had a chance to get free from the Roadhouse. Dean knew running that place wasn’t easy, but he was just glad they took the time out to visit their favorite bar tender.

And then there was Sam and Castiel, who kept him the most company. Sam had flown in on an extended leave from the firm he was working at, and had nothing else better to do than to hang out with Dean. Castiel was an editor for a publisher, and so he was able to work form just about anywhere, which clearly had it’s perks.

They were almost acting like a normal little family, the three of them, but when the talks of going home started, Sam got weird. 

“So Dean… I was thinking you could out to California and live with me..” he said, shifting his gaze from the window to Dean. “That way, you’ll be able to have the supports you need.”

“Excuse me??” Dean snapped, furrowing his brow. “Supports? Sammy.. Nothing has changed.. Im not some invalid. Im fixing to go back to work and try to live my life beyond whatever the fuck this has been up til now…”

“What’re you gonna do if you need something?” 

“In case you haven’t noticed, YOU’RE the only one that doesn’t live here… Bobby.. Ellen. Jo.. Hell, Cas is here too… Why would I leave my whole life because now you have a reason to feel sorry for me.”

Sam’s eyes narrowed, “you’re not thinking clearly… this doesn’t make sense. There’s no way you’re going to be able to live on your own….”

“Then he’ll live with me…”

Castiel’s voice was so soft that they almost argued over top of him. But Dean held up a hand, “Sam, shut the fuck up for a sec… Cas what?”

Castiel shrugged, “I know we haven’t really… you know… known each other long.. But I have been looking for a roommate… Dean wants his independence, and you want piece of mind… This way, we all win..”

“No offense, but that doesn’t really seem like such a good idea…”

Dean furrowed his brow so hard it looked like he was having a stroke, “Sam. That’s not your call.. Go back to California. I’ll be fine here.”

Why was Sam acting like he was such a child? Dean still had a voice, and yeah, maybe a poor judgement call had been made in anger, but he had a lot of growing to do because of it, and here was Sam trying to smother it out of him.

The tension between the three of them was so thick it was practically choking Castiel. It forced him to clear his throat. He hadn’t meant to come between the brothers, but it seemed like the most logical course of action. And this way, everyone got what they wanted and needed.. right? of course right…..

When Castiel stopped his inner monologue, the brothers were still locked in a staring contest. “I’m.. gonna go grab a bite…” but it wasn’t heard, and he moved slowly away from what was sure to be a heated conversation without him.

The staring continued. Dean refused to back down. And apparently Sam did too.

“Dean. honestly. You’re being stupid. You think you have something to prove, but all you’re going to prove is that you’re going to keep making these same mistakes.”

Dean’s fists were balled. If he was absolutely sure he’d maintain his balance, he’d slug Sam right in his pretty boy face. He chuckled a little bit, thinking about how funny it would be, smacking Sam in his face, and then falling down on top of him.

“Sam.. I know.. I know you’re trying to mean well man… But my whole life is here.. I can’t just dump everything and move with you. California isn’t the life I want.. My home is here in Kansas… My friends are here.. in Kansas…”

Sam shook his head. “You’re making a mistake..”

“Then it’s mine to make.”

“If you make this choice.. don’t ask me for help…”

Dean had a smirk on his face that said he was so done with Sam’s nonsense. “You know what… Fuck you…”

Sam went to speak, but he merely shook his head, then Dean was alone. He nestled against the mattress of the hospital bed that had been home for longer than he’d have liked. How could Sam even ask him to move? He’d already lost so much.. he didn’t think he could stomach losing everything else.

He just laid there, staring at the white of the room until the reddish glow of the sunset splayed on the walls around him. All he wanted to do was pretend this never happened, but he knew that this was just some more thing he needed to grow from. What he really wanted to was talk to Lisa, to explain that she was right, and he got why she was mad, and leave it at that. But would it even change anything? Probably not. It’d been months; if she really wanted to have that conversation, she’d have came to visit. And she didn’t. Sam couldn’t even get ahold of her to let her know what was going on. 

Dean gritted his teeth and slowly positioned himself to stand. He’d been getting really good at it, and he had no qualms about doing it on his own. It took him a couple tries to get up, but it was really because he was already so agitated, that he couldn’t concentrate on what he was doing.

The sunset was beautiful. It was only going to be a matter of time before he was out of here, out in the sun, enjoying the warm summer air. He was really going to thrive in this amazing weather. This was his favorite time of year, and he’d already spent so much time cooped up.

“Dean…” 

The voice made him jump a little, but he turned toward the voice. It was Castiel, and his features softened at the sight of his friend. 

“I thought you were Sam, back for more…”

Castiel gave a sad smile, “No.. just me.. I saw him leave. He looked very upset.”

“Yeah.. I told him about himself.” He chuckled and sighed. “So I appreciate what you did… sticking up for me.. but you don’t really have to let me move in if you don’t want.. I mean.. you already saved my life and-…..”

Castiel raised his hand to cut him off, “Stop. My offer stands. I need a roommate, and Im sure you wouldn’t mind the companionship….”

Dean nodded, “One I get out of here, we can.. pack my stuff up.. I don’t really have much, so it shouldn’t be too hard. I have a couple other friends that can help too.”

It was beginning to look up for him, and he had a feeling that maybe things were starting to look up for Castiel too. In the month that they’d known each other, Dean had felt a significant shift inside himself. He knew he’d done some things that he was less than proud of, and while he thought taking part of his leg was a little drastic in the name of Karma, he was beginning to WANT better for himself. And he absolutely noticed a softer resolve in Castiel, something that made Castiel kinder, warmer. Maybe this was helping them both grow.

They stayed up late, talking about their lives. Castiel had siblings too, two older brothers, Michael and Gabriel, and they were just as obnoxious as Sam was difficult. They both had lost their parents significantly young, while Castiel was raised by his older siblings, the Winchesters were passed from family friend to family friend like a casserole dish. 

Castiel talked about college, how he much rather liked editing, because writing was too difficult, but fixing mistakes was easy. Dean listened earnestly, having always wanted to go, but never got the chance, something he always regretted. They eventually fell asleep, Dean slumped way down on the bed, and Castiel leaning over next to the bed, head on his arms. 

This was going work out… right? Of course right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully all my word vomit is making sense!
> 
> Thanks for reading
> 
> EDIT: 3/12/18 I've been trying to upload every other day or so. but theres something about how chapter 3 is going, that just isn't sitting right. some of it seems forced, so im reworking it. I don't have a beta, so i'm doing all the brainstorming and editing myself lol please bear with me


	3. Holidays Suck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holidays suck. Brothers suck more.

Summer came and went and Dean was settled in well at Castiel’s. It was kind of hazardous at first, learning the sweet sweet intricacies of Castiel’s condo. And by intricacies, Dean was happy to explain, he simply meant that there was a lip between the carpet and the tile of the kitchen that he may or may not have been able to feel on his prosthetic, and he may or may not have fallen and given himself a black eye… more than once.

But other than that, and maybe… MAYBE, falling in the shower, once… twice… three times. To be fair, Castiel had fallen a couple times; it was an easier fix than the carpet/tile ordeal. Who’s counting honestly? The point is. That it was November, and Dean had not only managed to keep his job, and be great at it, but he was living his life. Life with Castiel was amazing. They were a mostly perfect fit. Of course they bicker about dumb stuff; Dean HATES doing the dishes, it annoys the crap out of him, but Castiel cooks, so it evens out. Dean mows their side of the lawn because well… he can, and he doesn’t mind doing it, and Castiel might have an aneurysm if he had to do it. Movie nights are sacred, and every once in a while, they take the time to go out to dinner.

Dean didn’t really like going out now that the holidays were in full swing though. He was kind of getting self conscious because he limped a little, and he couldn’t do with the people staring, kids pointing. It was just easier to stay home, become a Holiday Hermit.

“Dean.. Christmas shopping.”

Dean made a non-committal noise from the couch, burying his nose further in ‘Cat’s Cradle’. Castiel rolled his eyes practically out of his head, leaning on the back of the couch. “Listen.. you are not going to…-” he plucked the book away, “-rot in this house for the holidays…”

The look on Dean’s face was scandalous. “you do NOT disrespect Vonnegut..” Dean leaned forward to try to retrieve his distraction, but Castiel was too fast, slinking away with the book. Dean ended up catching up to him and cornering him in the bathroom. “No where to go..” he smirked, the jerky smile reaching his eyes, hand outstretched. 

Castiel was wearing the same grin, his cheeks rich and red and radiant. “You can absolutely have this back, IF and only if you Christmas shop with me.” Dean closed in, leaving Castiel standing trapped in the shower, “You’re holding my book ransom…?” He didn’t mean for it to sound so much like a question, but honestly, he’d totally lost what ever control he had of the situation. 

“Fine…..” he conceded, extending his hand out for the book. 

“Fantastic.” Castiel looked way too pleased with himself, but as it were, Dean kind of was too. He was beginning to grow fond of Castiel’s impish grin.

When Castiel asked him to go Christmas shopping, he did not know that the other had meant right this moment. But here they were, moseying through the mall like they had not a care in the world. But Dean had many cares… this… exposure.. was the bane of his existence. Castiel must’ve sensed Dean’s discomfort, because he reached over and took his hand; compared to Dean, Castiel had small hands, but they fit together perfectly. Dean’s hands rough for the sanitizer they used at the bar to wash glasses, Castiel’s soft, probably never having been sunburned in his life.

Dean’s blush was so dark it was virtually a new color, and he stole a second to look down at him. Castiel was still looking around, like this gesture was the most normal thing in the world. “So.. ah.. Cas.. Why are we shopping so early.. its not even Thanksgiving.”

“Oh.. well.. Im going to my brothers’ place for thanksgiving.. and I’ll probably stay for a week or so.. I haven’t seen them in a very long time.. and I wanted to shop WITH you, so I thought we could get it out of the way… and….” 

Dean stopped, jerking Castiel to a halt also. “You’re rambling… Wha’s the matter?”

Castiel sighed, “Wow.. is it that painfully obvious..?” he looked up at Dean and bit his lip a little. “My brothers can be difficult… Do you.. do you think you’d maybe want to come with me??”

“Of course.. its not like I’ve got urgent turkey plans.” especially since Sam isn’t talking to me still. But he left that last part unspoken. “So.. dragging me to the mall was just a rouse because you didn’t know how to ask me to come to thanksgiving?” He’d said after a few minutes past. 

“possibly…” was the answer. And the rest of the walk back to the car was silent.

* * *

Dean had packed a bag like Castiel told him to, and he was slumped in to the passenger seat of Castiel’s patchwork car. It had so many difference pieces, it was hardly a single recognizable brand anymore. It was only a 3 hour drive, but it felt like it was taking forever. They were going in a day early so they could enjoy the whole day with family.

“So… tell me about Michael and Gabriel.”

Castiel chuckled, “Thats a loaded question.” He paused a moment, as if trying to explain how overly compulsive Michael was when it came to things he felt he had control over, or how Gabriel’s lust for sugar was so intense that it was a miracle he didn’t have diabetes.

“okay… so Michael.. He’s the oldest. He is… a control freak to fullest extent of the definition. He’s some big shot for a marketing agency. He looks more like me… though not as dashing..” That warranted a chuckle from Dean. “And Gabriel.. well… Gabriel likes to play jokes, eat sugar, and mainly act like a child… he looks adopted… I mean.. he doesn’t even remotely the same hair color… or eye color.” Dean raised an eyebrow, but let Castiel continue, “Which.. is like statically impossible…”

As they pulled in the drive way, Dean bristled. “They know you brought me… right?” He could see the brothers standing on the porch. The one that was obviously Michael had his arms crossed, Gabriel sitting on the steps, kind of casually draped over the wood. “Nope…” Castiel replied, getting out of the car and closing the door.

“Im gonna kill him….” Dean said to the void in the car. But he plastered a smile on his face, trying hard not to look like a serial killer, or a mental patient, and got out, bracing himself on the uneven gravel of the drive way. But Castiel was right next to him in an instant, looping his arm around Dean. It was so convenient, that they were of similar height, because Castiel had a sixth sense about Dean losing his balance, and was able to easily support him, even if for a moment. “heh… thanks..” He offered a light chuckle, but he was clearly embarrassed too.

“Cassie!!” The voice was so shrill it made Dean want to just get back in the car, and before either one of them could react, Gabriel was upon them, embracing them both. “You didn’t tell us you were bringing a friend…” his tone was hard to read, it didn’t have any significant attachment to an emotion. 

“Dean Winchester..” He said, holding out his hand. Gabriel shook it and nodded, “Gabriel Novak. Its a pleasure.. come now.. theres no spaghetti in the driveway..” Gabriel moved away with a flourish of his hand that was meant to say ‘lets go already’. Dean and Castiel exchanged glances, and followed Gabriel up the steps. Michael did not say anything, but merely glowered at the motley pair.

In fact, Michael didn’t say anything even well into dinner, just staring, eyes flickering between Castiel and Dean. Honestly, it was so painfully obvious how awkward it was, even an outsider would’ve shied away. Until… “So Dean… Is there a particular reason you continue to over stay your welcome with my brother? I mean… he saved your life, and God bless for that, but you really are taking advantage of his generous nature.”

Castiel nearly choked on the food in his mouth, “Michael…—“ But Michael completely cut him off. “I want him.. to answer.. the question…”

Dean set his fork down as softly as he possibly could. Castiel was looking at him absolutely mortified, and Gabriel was pretending the conversation wasn’t happening, pushing spaghetti from one side of his dish to the other, eyes burning a hole in the dish. “I think you misunderstand…” Dean started, but he didn’t get very far.

“Misunderstand? My brother has already gone above and beyond for you. He owes you nothing… you owe him everything, and yet you continue to use him.”

Dean stood at that point, “Listen, pal.. I didn’t come here to be kicked around… If i wanted to have THAT thanksgiving, I’d have called my brother…” God, Dean had tried so hard to be nice. He liked Castiel, and he wanted to play nice with his siblings, but he was just sitting there, letting this conversation happen.

“Maybe you should have..”

He looked down at Castiel, who couldn’t even muster enough courage to look him in the eye, and then back at Michael. 

“Yeah.. Maybe I should have..”

He excused himself as politely as he could muster and let the front door slam behind him on his way out. He should’ve known better… His own flesh and blood didn’t even want him, why would someone else’s?

“Dean!!” 

But he didn’t stop. He grabbed his bag out of the trunk, digging for his headphones. Once he struck gold, he fixed his shorts, pulled on a sweatshirt, and stalked off, leaving his bag on the trunk, and Castiel standing befuddled in the drive way.

* * *

“What the actual hell is wrong with you…?” Castiel’s voice was so sharp it could cut glass. “Michael… where do you get off talking to him like that?”

“Im talking to him because he’s using you Castiel. And you’re too naive to see it. You’ve done more than enough for him, stop letting him use you…”

The more they yelled, the closer they got to each other, practically chest to chest, eyes were just slits of flaming anger. Gabriel was trying so hard to stay out of it, trying to be as nonchalant as he could be. It didn’t make a lick of difference to him what Castiel did with his life, but he was just so proud of his younger brother for finally standing up for himself that he didn’t care interrupt.

“Michael, I asked him to move in with me, because I needed a roommate. Not for any other reason. And if Dean needs help here or there, I sure will. Im not a monster, I actually have a soul, thats ONE trait I didn’t inherit from this family thank god.” He really was directing that at Michael, but Gabriel looked just as astonished.

“Look at you..” Michael scoffed, “You made him your project didn’t you… you feel like you’re gonna fix him somehow don’t you..”

“Dean.. doesn’t.. need.. fixed…” Castiel was trying to show immense self control by not punching Michael in the face. But he totally hauled off and punched him square in the face. “You can take your turkey, and cram it..”

So much for a peaceful thanksgiving. By the time, Castiel pried Gabriel off of him, and told him that yes.. he knew it wasn’t Gabriel’s fault, and yes, he knew Michael had a mind of his own, but they’d come to have a nice holiday, and he refused to stay in the same house as their delusional brother, he was already making his way back to the car to intercept Dean.

* * *

Dean came back to the driveway flushed, and sucking in air. He liked going for walks, and runs when his body felt up to it. It was relaxing, and it had quickly become a great way to stay in shape, and release some frustration. He leaned against the back of the car, taking a load off. Dean ran his fingers through his hair and sighed, “This is ridiculous….”

“It really is….” Castiel said softly, moving around to the back of the car. 

Dean hadn’t realized that he wasn’t alone. “I did a lot of thinking on my walk. Why don’t you just stay.. Enjoy your holiday, and I’ll figure something else out. I’m intruding anyway..”

“Well.. I punched Michael in his face.. So i don’t think I’m welcome for turkey anyway…”

All Dean could do was smile, looking wide eyed at his usually passive friend. “You didn’t have to punch him for me…” was all he could say. 

“Well.. I didn’t punch him just for you.. I punched him for me too. I’ve pretty much been wanting to punch him since I was old enough to walk… I’m sick of being bullied by him… thinking he can just control things… So. I guess we’ll have thanksgiving ourselves?”

Dean nodded, “Sure.. I’ll even help you cook…” He said, playing pushing him.

Castiel merely smiled in return, taking Dean’s hand.

* * *

Because they didn’t have much food in the way of thanksgiving, they made breakfast. So at two o clock, which was the time one had dinner on thanksgiving for whatever reason, they made pancakes, eggs, toast, bacon, sausage, hash browns, and pretty much everything that was breakfast that they had in the house. “I think we did pretty good…” Castiel said, looking at the table. 

“Me too…” Dean’s voice trailed off to a small smile. He was still thinking about all the times their hands had brushed over each other while they cooked. Why was he even…? “Oh my god….”

“What?”

WHY ARE YOU TALKING OUT LOUD YOU MORON?!, Dean scolded.

“Oh.. uhm… I was just thinking about how much food we made….” He rubbed the back of his neck, as nonchalant as he could muster. 

“oh. yes. we made quite a bit of food…” Castiel looked at Dean, his cheeks soft pink. Dean was stupid if he thought he couldn’t see the way Dean was looking at him.

They sat down facing each other, exchanging glances. “Maybe we got a little carried away..” Dean said, a laugh in his voice. 

“I think its a job well done….”

They ate in silence, taking in all the deliciousness of their hard work. Breakfast was a little unorthodox for Thanksgiving, but it beat irritation and making a turkey. And hey, who didn’t love bacon?

Once they’d eaten all the pancakes and eggs they could stand, they cleaned up, elbow to elbow, wash, dry, wash, dry. The time that they lived together had to turned into a very domestic relationship. It was an odd feeling to have, at least for Dean. They never so much as even kissed; however, Dean was becoming acutely aware of the feelings for Castiel that seemed to be growing from sweet fondness to tender affection.

Feeling satisfied with the clean up, they breathed a collective sigh. The holiday turned out peaceful, no drama to be found. Until Dean’s phone rang that is.

“Uhm.. I gotta….” 

He went to his bedroom, swiping to answer.

“Hey Dean..”

Ugh.. He should’ve just hit the bitch button, let voice mail take control of the awkward conversation. 

“Hey Sammy… how are you?”

This was too stressful. He was just thinking about how nice it was to have such a calm day, and here he was, undoing it.

“I’m.. I’m doing good.. And I wanted to see how you were doing..”

“Im okay…..” 

It was like Dean was trying to say as few words as possible, make the talking as limited as possible. 

“Well.. good… So I was thinking.. I was wondering if we’d be able to.. uhm. Stay with you for Christmas? We didn’t get to see each other for Thanksgiving…?”

_We.. who was we?_

“We?? Did you grow so tall they cut you in half?” Dean was just too funny sometimes, but Sam didn’t laugh.

“Yeah… Me and Jess…?”

Oh right.. Sam’s perfect angel of a girlfriend.

“Sure.. I mean.. I gotta talk to Cas… I can’t just say yeah without talking to him first…”

He’s pretty sure he could hear Sam’s eyes roll. “Yeah, okay.. just let me know so we can make plans…” 

And then the line went dead. “What the fuck now…..”

Castiel had been leaning in the doorway for who knows how long. “Are you sure you want him to come?” 

“I don’t even know…..”

Castiel didn’t say anything else, but moved over to him, placing a small kiss on his forehead, and Dean’s heart swelled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!! If you saw my edit in the notes from the last chapter, know that I am MUCH MUCH more pleased with how this came out than how I had written it before.
> 
> Bless.


	4. Don't Worry About Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's an awkward conversation... or two?

Dean thought about that small kiss for a lot longer than he should’ve, and in all honesty, he was probably reading way too much into it. But his dreams were cruel to him, playing scenes in his mind that hadn’t happened. A sweet kiss here, a blissful grazing of hands trying to compete for the milk.. or a glass.. The issue was, it was beginning to torture him while he was awake. Why must his subconscious be so unforgiving?

He was absentmindedly cooking, a chore he didn’t usually even like doing. The whole house smelled like french toast, vanilla, cinnamon.. It smelled amazing, and when Castiel walked in the door, the smell hit him like a train. 

“Dean.. what is that smell…?” 

Castiel entered the kitchen and gave a small whimper. “That smells fantastic…” Then he got all up close and personal, trying to peer around Dean. The hand on his hip, the smell of Castiel’s cologne, it was electrifying, and it made him jump a little bit. 

“Thanks.. I didn’t have to work today, so I figured making dinner was the least I could do?” He offered a small smile, a sheepish look, soaking in the attention, burning the feeling of warmth Castiel left on his shirt into memory. He turned a little so that it Castiel’s arm wrapped around his waist; he had a little bit of cinnamon on his face, and a goofy grin that made Castiel chuckle softly. 

“Its almost done if you wanna sit down….” Dean’s voice was kind of shaky, the usual confidence missing. This close proximity to Castiel was rattling him, it was something he wanted to act on, something he wanted to pursue. But… at what cost to their current friendship he didn’t know.

It was unusual for Dean to cook, but Castiel wasn’t complaining. He was totally enveloped in the smell of cinnamon. He hadn’t meant to get so close to Dean, especially while he was distracted, but there he was, all up in his business. When Dean gave him that smirk, it was almost too much resist leaning up and kissing him for real. But things like that were so hard to navigate. Did Dean even like him like that? Like guys at all? Would he WANT to kiss him? What if it ruined their friendship….? And it was all too much to bear, so when Dean directed him to sit, he did without question.

Honestly, the french toast was the most amazing thing Castiel had ever tasted. What could he say? Maybe he had a soft spot for breakfast foods. Their routine was so normal now. Eat. Wash. Dry. Always ending up elbow to elbow. Dean washed. Castiel dried, and the dishes never took too long. It were the most hated chore, and therefore, it was imperative it was over and done with as soon as possible.

When Castiel reached into the drain, he ended up grabbing a knife by the wrong end, thinking more about Dean than the dishes he needed to dry. He winced, opening his hand to inspect his palm. A thin trail of blood had risen to the surface, mixing with the beads of water that were already there. “Oh…” He looked up at Dean, and back at his hand. “I’ll.. i’ll be right back.” But Dean followed, and it was a good thing, because Castiel wavered in the hall. 

“Are you alright..?” He asked, catching Castiel up under his arms. Castiel nodded, “I just… i don’t _do_ blood…” Dean nodded, walking with him to the bathroom, “Ill get you all fixed up…” He sat Castiel down on the toilet, and opened the medicine cabinet. “Alcohol.. cotton ball.. bandaid…” he murmured the things he was looking down, and when he found everything, he moved to sit down in between his legs.

Castiel was slumped a little, cheeks stark white. “so.. read any good books..?” Dean asked, making Castiel ignore the fact he had a small pool of blood in his hand, hoping to perk him up a little. “Actually… Ive read some terrible books..” The fun thing Dean liked about Castiel being an editor that when books were bad, they were really bad, and Castiel loved talking all about it.

He got him so distracted that Castiel didn’t even realize he had finished. “Thank you…” He said softly, cheeks tinged red. “What can I say, Mr. Novak, I aim to please…” “What a cocky man, Mr. Winchester..” Castiel replied, imitating the cheesy smile Dean was wearing. “You don’t know the half of it, Mr. Novak…”

All this banter was, frankly, kind of hot. Dean out stretched his hand, and Castiel took it, assuming that Dean would’ve liked some help up. HOWEVER, Dean pulled Castiel down to the floor so he was sitting between Dean’s legs. It was silent. Castiel was deep in green pools, counting the freckles on his face, and then their lips met. The kiss was sloppy, unpracticed. They felt each other out, learning the curves of lip to lip, the soft feel of tongue on tongue. It was sweet, innocent, and a long time coming. Dean moved a hand to the back of Castiel’s neck, gentle finger tips on smooth skin, teasing the small baby hairs that called the back of his neck home, not that he needed the reassurance that Castiel wasn’t going to move away. 

It seemed like an eternity before their lips came apart, stares lost in each others eyes. Dean’s hand slid down from the back of his neck to rest on his chest, feeling others heart beat below the palm of his hand, steady, strong. “Was… was that okay..?” Dean was the first one to speak, cheeks so red his freckles disappeared. Castiel nodded, leaning forward to press his head to Dean’s chest.

The two of them stayed snuggled up for a moment, enjoying the quiet serenity of their embrace. Eventually, they moved to the couch, letting the TV become background noise to patient kisses, tender touches. The night was spent in much a similar fashion, the two of them falling asleep curled around each other.

* * *

The next couple of weeks were skirting around each other. They were so tense regarding affection. They couldn’t even bring themselves to talk about it. Because like.. screw happiness or something. They did their best to just carry on as usual. And because Dean was Dean, he was especially hard on himself about it.

He was hiding out in his bedroom, ignoring his emotions and hiding from reality. Curled up in bed with Vonnegut under a blanket was his favorite way of escaping reality. _Ping_

**Sam:** Hey Dean, are we able to come for Christmas?

Oh complete Hell. He totally forgot that he had talked to Sam about coming for Christmas. He just never texted him back. But hey.. it was payback for Sam being so shitty in the first place? Dean didn’t even know he was so vindictive; first time for everything.

**Dean:** Yeah. Sorry. You can stay with us. I’m sure Bobby will want to see you, and Ellen and Jo have been asking about you. 

He gagged when he hit send. “Be the bigger person, Dean Winchester…” he scolded, and succumbing to getting ready for you. “Be the bigger person…” Which was hard, considering Sam was the only giant left in North America.

The walk to the Roadhouse wasn’t so bad. It was a nice day considering the month, and where they lived was pretty central to everything, coincidence????… probably. The roadhouse felt more like home than home ever did, Ellen and Jo more family than his own brother. “Dean-o!” Ash shouted from the bar, “Come on man, we’re slammed.” And that true, talk about a rush. Dean didn’t mind though, it was a pleasant distraction from the fact that in 3 weeks, he would be face to face with his brother again, who he hadn’t seen in almost a year. They hadn’t even spoken until Sam called him on Thanksgiving.

By the time his shift was over, he felt a lot better about the whole Christmas thing. He even told Ellen and Jo who, at first were skeptical, but then seeing as Dean made no opinion one way or another, decided they were going to be happy about it, and even offered to host the holiday. 

Which was no sweat off Dean’s nose, the less work him and Castiel needed to do to accommodate, the better. When he got him, Castiel was still awake. “Hey..” he said, stifling a yawn, “How was work…” “Busy.. the usual.” he hung his keys on the designated hook (the hook Castiel hung up specifically for him because his house keys tended to haunt the house like a ghost, and he could never find them when he needed them the most). “So…” Dean plopped down next to Castiel, moving to lay down, head in his lap. Castiel looked down from his book, and then refocused his attention. Dean coughed, “Sooooo…” He started again, “I told Sam that him and Jess could come for Christmas?” Oh Dean… just the epitome of eloquence. “And Ellen said she’s make Christmas dinner, so we don’t have to…”

Castiel closed the book, setting it down on Dean’s stomach. “If you think it’s going to be okay, then I’ll stand by you…” Dean nodded, “Honestly, Cas, I don’t know.. But he’s my brother. ya know? I mean… he’s being a shit head, but maybe it’ll be different… and if not… you can punch my brother in the face.. Maybe it’ll be a new holiday tradition..” The only response was a very hard eye roll.

“C’mon, its time for bed.” Castiel wiggled, trying to get out from under Dean, but Dean just snuggled closer. “No, come on. We have to go grocery shopping in the morning… unless you want to eat crackers for the next week…” Dean chuckled and sat up, “Alright alright…” As much as Dean wanted to follow Castiel, to curl around him, warm and content, he knew he couldn’t. They just hadn’t gotten past the kiss they shared, and Dean didn’t want to intrude.

* * *

Grocery shopping was awful, for Castiel anyway. Dean spent much of the time putting junk food in the cart that Castiel had to put back. “We’re not kids, Dean..” Dean shrugged, dropping in Lucky Charms, “Kid at heart…” he replied. “You just don’t let me have any fun…” Castiel rolled his eyes, “This must be what being a parent is like….”

They moved along aisle to aisle, discussing coffee, and bread, and all the domestic things they could. A voice stopped Dean, making him turn around. It was Ben. Man.. he couldn’t get away from his ghosts….

“Dean!!” The boy’s face was lit up, “Im so happy to see you!!” Dean welcomed the hug, even though Ben nearly knocked him over form excitement. 

“It’s nice to see you too pal…” He said, ruffling the boy’s hair. He glanced over, looking to Castiel, who sensed the strain and gave them space. The next voice he heard.. there was no mistaking it. It was clear as a bell, soft as cotton.

“Dean, I’m sorry… I told him not to bother you…” She said, walking toward him. “Ben… come on sweetheart…”

But he shook his head, looking up at Dean, and then down, really taking in all of him. “Does it hurt???” He asked, completely obviously to the horror on his mothers face.

Dean smiled and shook his head, “only when I tell a lie..” And he followed that with a wink. “Say, do me a favor.” and Ben nodded, “See that guy over there,” point to Castiel, “Go put junk food in our cart, so I can talk to your mom?” Ben nodded and moved to leave them alone.

He watched as Ben did just that, and shrugged at the dirty look Castiel gave him. Dean only took a moment and then turned his attention back to Lisa. 

“Why didn’t you visit me? Or call.. or text.. carrier pigeon.. anything…”

“Dean… what do you want me to say? That I couldn’t look at you and feel somehow personally responsible for the fact that you left angry? That the thought of you possibly being dead made me sick…? Asking me that question isn’t fair.”

Dean scoffed, “Lisa, none of this is your fault okay? None of it. And for you to take the blame… its ridiculous…” He was trying not to raise his voice.. trying to see things from her perspective, but that didn’t stop him from being completely irritated. “Just know I’m getting along just fine okay…? Nothing about my life has changed. If anything, it’s better….”

He turned to look at Castiel, looking defeated by the good job Ben did of junking up the cart. Lisa looked too and raised an eyebrow. “That’s Castiel.. he’s the one who found me that night.. we’ve kind of been inseparable since then….” 

Castiel looked, seeing eyes on him. “Dean, we really have to get going…” he said softly, “I have a conference call about my current project.” And Dean nodded in reply. “well.. It was nice seeing you again, Lisa.” 

All she could do was stare as he joined Castiel, patting Ben on the shoulder as he passed. So that was… one awkward conversation down, one to go. It was like a practice conversation.. but somehow he knew that the conversation with Sam was going to be a lot more hostile. 

Only two more weeks to go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bless up! 
> 
> I super ultra appreciate all this support. If you have any prompts for one shots you wanna see written out lemme know?


	5. Being Nice is For Squares

Christmas. 

One week.

Dean never really cared for the holiday, but since Castiel seemed to be wrapped up in the festivities, he took it upon himself to decorate the house while Castiel was out. He found everything he needed to make it barf Christmas in the basement. While maneuvering on the steps with his prosthetic was ordinarily difficult, trying to drag a fake Christmas tree from the depths of spider hell, turned out to be a feat of a new caliber. 

But eventually, he managed, and was just finishing up the tree when Castiel returned from his meeting. This New Years dead line for his current edits was wearing on him, and when he came into the living room, he didn’t even look at the tree, just flopped down on the couch, groaning into the cushion. 

“Are you okay…?” Dean asked, tinsel wrapped in one hand, the other end attached to the tree.

“I’m being asked the impossible…” He groaned again, kind of flopping. All the makings of a temper tantrum without the toddler. 

Dean freed himself from his glittery prison and moved over to sit on the edge of the couch, a hand resting on Castiel’s back. “Hey.. whatever you need, you let me know…”

Castiel nodded and muffled something into the cushion. “how about we order pizza? Watch a movie and relax.. end the day on a good note, and tomorrow, back to the grind..” That warranted another nod from Castiel and Dean gave his shoulder a little squeeze.

Pizza was the ultimate comfort food, Dean thought. There was something just so heavenly about melted cheese; getting a pizza delivered to the door was just even better. Dean was never much of a hermit, always liking to go out, but recently, he became quite the house wife. He took the pizza, grabbed a couple beers, placing it all on the coffee table, and set up a big nest of pillows and blankets on the floor. 

When Castiel came back from getting the world’s hottest shower, he marveled at what lengths Dean would go to to cheer him up. It was then he noticed the tree, shimmering in the background. Dean was already curled up in the blankets, nestled in and he was looking at Castiel with fondness and soft affection. “Come on, I put in your favorite movie..” 

They munched in silence, letting the movie fill the void between them. Castiel loved ‘Pretty in Pink’ and sat completely engrossed. Dean couldn’t careless about Molly Ringwald OR Jon Cryer, but he absolutely cared about Castiel, and when he leaned over to lean against him, he enveloped him in a warm embrace.

Dean could feel the warm skin under his fingertips, soft and smooth. He immediately felt calm, sitting still. They stayed that way for a while, enjoying the movie, and each other. But all good things must end, apparently, and the movie was over; neither one of them moved, though, until Castiel stirred, shifting his weight over to straddle Dean, hands on his shoulders. “Dean.. why are you being so nice…” He said softly, but words were failing Dean to see Castiel in front of him, so desperate for something Dean couldn’t place. “Cas…” His name came out like a song, a sweet breath, a plead. 

It was Castiel that initiated their kiss this time, fitting their lips back together, perfect. like two pieces of a puzzle that were just meant to be. Castiel dug in his fingers a little where they were grasping at Dean’s shoulders. Dean’s hands were firmly placed on Castiel’s hips, almost needy, bringing him closer. They were wrapped up in each others complete attention, lips touching, hands searching. Castiel offered up a whimper when Dean oh so gently bit his bottom lip.

Castiel was trying to make a play at more attention, but Dean stopped him, separating from kiss. “Cas…. Castiel… is this what you really want…” All of a sudden Dean looked so sad, “I mean… are you sure?” Castiel looked at him so intently, as if trying to read his mind through his eyes; he touched his cheek, feeling the stubble beneath his thumb. 

“Dean.. I have been wanting to kiss you since the first night you spent here with me…” He said softly, placing a gentle kiss on Dean’s jawline, making him shiver. “I feel like… I was destined to find you that night…” When he said that, Dean sighed, pulling Castiel close to him. “I mean.. We already have a relationship, if you think about it…” Dean raised an eyebrow, and let Castiel continue, “We go grocery shopping together, we go out to dinner….” He started rattling off examples, “We’re very domestic….”

Dean nodded, sighing a contemplative breath into Castiel’s hair. “I know… I mean just with someone like me….” he said softly, nuzzling him gently. It was all Castiel could do not to punch Dean in his stupid face because he knew exactly what Dean meant. Wow… I’ve gotta get my anger in check, he scolded, his first reaction should NOT have been to punch. “Dean…” he said gently, taking both sides of Dean’s face, the gesture looked so sweet, “Are you actually a moron??? I mean.. Do you really think so little of yourself?” 

“I just…—“ Castiel cut him off, “You are deserving of just as much happiness as anyone else.” And without another word, he took him up in a kiss, moving to wrap his fingers up in Dean’s hair. It was so much deeper, and more passionate than any thing they’ve done. It made Dean’s heart race, and when Castiel grinded down against him, his heart practically stopped.

They were like a couple of teenagers making out the dark, caught in the tangles of a fresh love. When they finally wore themselves out, Castiel stood, pulling Dean up with him. “Will you sleep with me tonight…?” Dean nodded, not letting go of Castiel’s hand.

Tonight Dean slept better than he ever had, arm draped around Castiel, the big spoon. It was nice having Castiel pressed up against him, feeling his soft breath. He’d told Lisa his life changed for the better… and laying here with Castiel, there was no longer doubt it was true.

* * *

After a week of running around to shop, and trying to fake his own death, Dean was sitting on the edge of the couch, waiting for Sam and Jess to get there. Sam had told him not to worry about picking them up from the airport, that they could get a rental car, that it was worth it, especially since they’d be here for a couple days.

**Sam:** On our way.

**Dean:** okay.

He had 20 minutes to find somewhere to find, assuming Sam got all the green lights. As if he was able to read minds, Castiel peered in from the kitchen, “Dean, I need your help…” He sounded defeated, but all he was doing was making burgers, how could he possibly need help?

Upon entering the kitchen, he saw that, while Castiel was _trying_ to make burgers, the burgers had clearly revolted, and he was making more of a mess, than dinner. Dean shook his head, taking the spatula, “You’re relieved of duty, Mr. Novak…” he said, shooing the other from the stove. “I can handle it…” Burgers, apart from breakfast, was the only thing Dean knew how to make confidently.

He was even so distracted, that he hadn’t heard the doorbell, only Castiel talking, and it wasn’t to him. “Dean~~” He almost forgot how shrill Jess’ voice got when she got excited. Dean winced at the sound vibrating in his ears, pouring all his concentration into the last two burgers he had cooking as she embraced him from behind, “Hey Jess, good flight?” He had to remind himself to be nice to her, she didn’t do anything awful and completely uncalled for to him. She was NOT guilty by association. 

“Yeah, it was okay.. You know how much I hate flying….” She sat down at the table, twirling her blonde-practically-white hair around her sun kissed finger, “It’s nice to see you Dean….” It was calm.. at least for now. Jess’ presence always had that affect on the room, it was a nice mellow stoner vibe, sans weed. 

Dean just smiled, setting all the parts of dinner on the table. He patted Jess’ shoulder when he walked past to get Castiel and Sam, who were having a heated discussion in the living room. “Ah… guys… dinner…” They both looked at him, still scowling. It made Dean’s skin crawl a little, if looks could kill, he’d have died right there in the hall.

Dinner was so awkward. Jess did most of the talking, Sam sitting next to her, putting all his effort into chewing and NOT into participating in being a normal human being. Castiel seemed genuinely interested in her, fascinated by how much she could talk, and Dean was still trying to find a way to fake his own death. Once they were done and sitting in silence, Jess cleared her throat, and sighed, “Would I be able to shower?” Castiel jumped to his feet immediately, “Yes, I'll show you where you can shower.”  
That left Dean and Sam alone, both trying very hard to sink into the floor. “So… Im glad we got the chance to talk really quick.. alone…” Dean jumped at the sound of Sam’s voice, raising his eyes to look at his brother, fists balled at his sides.

“I’ve been wanting to talk to you… but Jess felt I needed to tell you in person…” Sam ran his fingers through his hair, sighing, “I’m just.. I’m really sorry for what I said..”

 _Oh Lord, here we go_ Dean thought, suppressing the urge to roll his eyes straight back into his head. “Yeah.. Just that… just your sorry?”

He should be sorry. Sam was always so out of line when he thought he was doing something for the greater good; that’s how it always was. But Dean merely shook his head, “Honestly Sam. You should be.. I do forgive what you said, but I can’t just let it go man… Because you might be sorry, because I’m mad at you, but I know you meant every word of it. You’re not just gonna be able to fix this because you want to…”

He stood, leaving Sam sitting in stunned silence, and went in search of Castiel, who was sitting on his bed, eyes focused on his phone. He didn’t even hear Dean knock. “Cas… You okay?” Cas shook his head, “I have to leave for a week to go to Utah the first of the year… I have to have a meeting… an in-person meeting… for this god awful book. It’s not even that good, and everyone is acting like this is the next Da Vinci Code…..”

Great. More bad news, but Dean kept his cool for Cas. “It’ll be okay…” He moved to sit next to him, a hand on his thigh. “Listen.. a week isn’t that long. and you’ll be home before you know it okay? You’ll see…”

Castiel gave him a soft kiss, of thanks. “You’re right… I guess this book has got me stressed out… I really just need to get this off my plate and onto the next project…” Dean offered a kiss in return, kissing his temple, holding his stubbly cheek in his hand, “Let’s just enjoy Christmas, and we’ll go from there.”

He knew they had to go to dinner tomorrow, but he wished that he and Castiel could spend the holiday in solitude like they’d spent Thanksgiving. He went to sleep that night, a lot on his mind. Castiel had fallen asleep quite easily, snuggled against his chest, fingers grasping Dean’s shirt. He assumed that Sam and Jess were also asleep in his bed down the hall. It just him and the gnawing feeling of simple dread for this holiday awake in the house.

* * *

Dean was the first one up and enjoyed his shower in peace. The warm water was relaxing, easing the muscles in his back and shoulders that were stress tense. He snagged a pair of shorts, just for now, until he had to put on something decent later to go to Bobby’s. For all the people coming, his house simply had more room. It was Christmas after all, and he knew how much this holiday meant to everyone else. So he would be nice for festivities sake.

He’d just put on the coffee when Sam joined him in the kitchen, yawning and stretching. “Good morning…” He’d said softly, treading lightly around Dean. Dean offered a gruff “morning”, waiting for the coffee to start to drip. Hopefully he could take the edge of his early morning aggression with some sweet caffeine. 

“I was going to make breakfast? Is that okay? What does Castiel eat?” Dean looked at him, instantly skeptical, “huh.. I didn’t know you cooked… honestly, Cas will eat whatever for breakfast. It’s his favorite meal of the day…” 

His point was proved, because as soon as the house began to smell like bacon, both Castiel and Jess emerged, messy hair and tired eyes. “mm.. smells good..” Castiel was like a little cave man in the morning, and wouldn’t gain cognitive functioning until well beyond his second cup of coffee, Dean only having handed him his first. 

Castiel drank in the warm liquid, giving a small moan of satisfaction, and closed his eyes, slumping to the side to lean on Dean. “So how long have you seen dating?” Oh.. Jess was going to be super blunt first thing in the morning? Dean coughed, looking down at Cas, he didn’t know what to say, sure they’d been making out like two horny teenagers, but they never talked specifics. So Dean was physically and emotionally relieved when Castiel answered for him, not moving from his slumped over position, “Just recently actually… Dean moved in with me shortly after he was released from the hospital, and one thing simply led to another…”

Sam dropped the eggs on the floor, hearing Castiel speak such a full truth over coffee. “Seriously Dean…?” he asked, looking up from the mess he had made. “I mean.. Yeah… This isn’t gonna turn into one of your ‘self-righteous, i know better than you’ speeches is it?” Sam stood up immediately, looking straight at him, “Yeah? You wanna ruin Christmas again? I mean… you and dad did such a great job my whole life, why stop now right?”

“Hey guys…” Jess interrupted, “Its Christmas, yeah? Lets just.. postpone this family feud until later?” Both of them scowled, and stalked off to get changed for dinner. “They’re like… kindergarteners….” Castiel nodded, following Dean to change as well.

* * *

The whole car ride to Ellen’s was silent. Castiel had taken up driving Dean’s impala, having gotten tired of hearing Dean complain about his own ancient automobile. The only difference between their cars was that Dean’s was loved and clean and didn’t look over a day old. And, just between Castiel and God, he secretly loved driving the car, but preferred to save face and still give Dean a hard time about it.

They hadn’t even pulled into the driveway yet and Jo was standing on the porch, tapping her foot, arms crossed against the cold. “Hey kiddo, Merry Christmas…” Dean called to her, waving. Jo was only a couple years younger than Sam, but just enough that Dean still called her a kid every once and a while. “Merry Christmas Dean… Sammy! Mom said you were coming, but I didn’t believe her…”

“I wouldn’t miss the chance to spend Christmas with you and Dean..” He replied when they finally got close enough to give her a friendly embrace. “We’re only staying a couple days..” He said, motioning to Jess, “But we’ll definitely have to do something…”

“Ey. You idjits planning on freezing to death on my porch or what?” Dean finally relaxed a little, hearing Bobby’s voice. Bobby practically raised them, and he was just as crotchety now as he was then… if not more. “We’re coming we’re coming….” They trickled into the house, hugging Ellen and then Bobby, and eased into conversation. It was easier to pretend Sam didn’t exist when he had other people to talk to; he just hoped the tension between them wasn’t obvious.

And it wasn’t. While Dean may have preferred to have stayed home, Bobby and Ellen and Jo were like family to him. Ash even stopped by to spread some cheer. Sam would always be his brother, even though the gigantic stick up his ass was completely obvious, and their relationship would probably never be the same; it was nice having him home too. To know that even though they were at complete odds, they were both still doing okay. Sam had his arm around Jess, and Castiel was curled up in Dean’s lap like a cat. Bobby and Ellen telling stories of Christmases past, embarrassing things they’d all forgotten about. This still moment was okay by him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be one last Chapter for Lesson 1: Standing Up for Yourself.
> 
> Lesson 2 will start shortly there after.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me.


	6. That's Enough Word Vomit Mr. Winchester

“Wow Mrs. Harvelle, Dinner is super amazing…” Jess was practically beaming, once again, it had been her chatting all of dinner. 

“Please sweetheart, thats my mother-in-law, you can call me Ellen like everyone else does… and thank you very much.”

Dinner was fantastic. Ellen knew her way around a kitchen better than any of these boys in any combination. This year, like every year, she’d completely outdone herself. The pièce de résistance was the gorgeous apple pie that Jo had helped her make, and even Jess had stopped talking to enjoy it.

After dinner was met with beers and more bad stories from Bobby and Ellen. With Sam being all the way out in California, they hardly got to see him, and Dean didn’t mind the attention being away from him for a while. He whispered to Castiel that he was going to get from fresh air, not wanting to interrupt Bobby, and went outside.

It was crisp, the air, fresh snow making its way to the earth, creating little snow drifts around the tires of the impala. As much as he loved his family (or well… MOST of his family, as of right now thank you very much), this was moments that he lived for. How still everything was, so serene compared to how hectic life every day was. He was so caught up in the moment that he hadn’t heard Jess join him. 

“You’re not as bad off as Sam made me think you were…” 

He jumped a little and turned to her, “Oh yeah? What.. he play me out to be little orphan Annie, alms for the poor kinda deal?” he scoffed, “Sam’s just trying to be the hero where a hero isn’t needed…”

Jess gave him a half shrug, “I guess.. I mean, he really is worried about you, thats genuine. But I think he’s just really confused, and you guys fighting all the time, isn’t going to help him understand.”

Dean bit his lip, damn did the girl have a point. “I don’t know Jess.. I mean, I’m still his brother, and I’m doing pretty a-okay. And if he refuses to see that, then thats his business I guess, but he’s not going to minimize my progress, I wont let him. I’m living this life with him by my side, or without him, and you can quote me exact.”

She didn't say anything in return but merely nodded, “I’d maybe tell him that yourself… just a thought…” and then she turned to go back inside. “Damn Jess… too philosophical…” but she was absolutely right.

* * *

In the days following Christmas, Dean made a nauseating point to try to be nicer to Sam. Periodically, Jess would give him a thumbs up, and he thought he was going to vomit. Why should he be nice if Sam’s opinion wasn’t going to change from it? He didn’t want to be nice, he wanted to be small and mean and petty.

This morning in particular, was the last morning of their stay with Castiel and Dean, and when Dean emerged from the bedroom around 11, only to find Sam home sitting on the couch, book in hand, he began to suspect what felt exactly like a set up.

“Where’d the ladies go…?” Dean asked, looking around for any sign that Jess of Castiel were waiting to jump out at him and yell surprise.

Sam looked up from his book and shrugged, “They were gone when I got up..” 

“Maybe they ran away together…” He replied, moving past him to the kitchen.

Sam followed, clearly unamused at Dean’s joke. “You know what this is…”

“A set up, I don’t care.. There’s no reason for a set up at all..”

Dean was searching for a clean coffee mug, but the few that were clean were on a shelf that Dean couldn’t quite reach, and tip-toes were NOT an option.

“Move..” Sam tried to reach to grab it for Dean, but he was just stubborn enough to push him away, “No I got it Sam…” buuuuut, he didn’t have it, and his finger tips gently grazed the handle before he knocked it down, smashing to pieces off the countertop.

“Oh hell…” 

Sam bent down as soon as Dean did, trying to pick up the pieces. “Dean I was just trying to help….” 

“You’ve _been_ trying to help.. and what has that gotten us so far?”

All Sam could do was shake his head, “I know.. Listen.. Jess… may have told me what you said to her.. and She’s right.. I don’t understand.”

Dean stopped picked up the ceramic to look at him, and now that Sam was finally getting a word in edge wise, the words just kept coming, “My whole life you were my older brother, so independent, confident, did whatever he wanted, and I guess I was so scared for myself, feeling like I was losing that person, than I didn’t want to look and see that I really wasn’t losing you at all Dean… and you didn’t need my help at all, and I was so angry at myself for expecting any less from you, I mean for god sake’s you’re probably more resilient than Dad ever was… and I just.. freaked out…”

“Sam-….”

“So you can be mad at me all you want, and I’m sorry I came here and copped an attitude with you in your own house, but I was overwhelmed, and completely neglected to think about how you were feeling…”

Dean was clearly agitated, “Look Sam.. Like I said.. I forgive you.. But we’re not just going to pretend that it didn’t happen… Because you were selfish… And we can totally figure things out from here, but our relationship won’t quite ever be the same, and you’re going to half to accept that…”

Sam went to reply, but they’d never know how the end of that conversation would’ve gone because Castiel and Jess came back, talking animatedly about something. Dean wasn’t sure he wanted to know.  
They peered in the kitchen, seeing the boys on the floor, and pieces of ceramic laying around. Castiel raised an eye brown, which Dean met with a fiery gaze that said ‘this whole thing WILL be discussed’.

“I dropped a mug.”

“I see that… are you alright?”

Dean nodded, and Sam helped him finish up cleaning the pieces from the floor, working together in silence as Jess and Castiel walked around them.

“So.. fellas…” She said, turning to lean her back on the counter, “We were thinking we’d have a nice early early dinner, since our flight leaves at seven…” 

Sam had thrown out the rest of his pieces and turned toward them, “Yeah.. what did you guys have in mind?”

“Well, when we went out this morning, we got some stuff to make a nice salad…”

Dean suppressed his groan and smiled, “That sounds great…”

Castiel and Jess danced around each other, happily doing whatever it was they were doing. See, Dean didn’t think making a salad was all that complicated… like he probably could’ve done it. But they were making it seem like Coq Au Vin or something, and he made no fuss about sitting patiently at the table. 

He couldn’t help think about how Castiel had just gone along with whatever scheme Jess had cooked up. It wasn’t really his place right? He thought about all during their bizarre lunch, and while he stood side by side with Sam silently doing the dishes. He couldn’t help but be mad… and he was stewing in it; he didn’t want to confront Castiel about it in front of them, and make some big fuss, despite popular belief, some things are personal.

Eventually, it was time for Sam and Jess to head back to the airport. Their goodbyes were exchanged awkwardly, small hugs, and call me’s, laced in with a grumble from Sam or Dean, only solidifying the fact more that they were actually neanderthals.

Once the door closed, however, Dean could hear a distinct _FINISH HIM_ in his head as Castiel returned to the living room. Dean was sitting on the arm of the couch arms crossed, a scowl on his face.

“I don’t think that was so bad. I mean… it could’ve been better of course, but… you’re mad. Why are you mad?” If Castiel was picking up on it, it must’ve been painfully obvious he was seething.

“I can’t believe you went along with whatever half baked scheme Jess thought up to set me and Sam up for feelings fun time….”

“Dean, it wasn’t like that… We just thought you guys needed some real alone time…. we thought it’d be easier to talk if we weren’t around…” Castiel offered a shrug, moving around Dean to sit on the couch, and Dean stood, turning to keep his dagger eyes on him. 

“I didn’t ask for you to help Dr. Phil a conversation between me and Sam, okay? I had nothing to say him more than I already did. It was completely out of line….”

“Dean, We were trying to help..-“

“No one asked for your help. Why does everyone insist on helping me, like I can’t do literally anything for myself.. The whole reason Sam and I are how we are now is because he was ‘trying to help’. The broken mug, a case of ‘sam trying to help’. this right here…” he motioned between him and castiel, “another case of ‘trying to help’.. like I might be missing a leg, but my whole brain is up there.. i don’t. need. help.”

His chest was heaving a little bit, forgetting to breath while he dumped all his baggage onto Castiel. He was feeling better after getting it all out, which made him feel like shit all over again because he knew Castiel was going to be pissed, after all, he was already staring at him, blue eyes as big as the planets. Dean waited for a chewing out that never came. Castiel merely stood, walking past him to their bedroom.

When Dean finally decided that Castiel was asleep enough to confidently slip into bed, he moved slowly down the hall, creeping. His prosthetic sometimes made the floor creak, and he didn’t want to give himself away. But when he got to the door, he saw his pillow and a blanket on the floor, the bedroom door locked. 

“I’m such a jackass….”

He could’ve easily gone and slept in what was now the guest room, but his punishment was meant to be served on the couch. 

“I totally completely fucked this all up……”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much!!! this is the last chapter for Lesson 1.
> 
> Be on the look out for Chapter One of Lesson 2: Getting off Your High Horse


End file.
